Hoof Harted

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to thank all of you for being here today, especially those of you who knew that I'd be saying a few words........it’s very touching that you still decided to come....

I know it means an awful lot to both Helen and George that you all helped to make their day so special.........especially those of you who have travelled great distances to be here. Personally, I think it’s amazing how far some of you will travel for a free meal and couple of glasses of champagne (drink your own and smile)

Now, are we all having a good time?.......... 

I read somewhere that a best man speech shouldn’t take any longer than it will take the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen – I give you Mr and Mrs Watson. (Take drink and sit down)

Seriously though, I’d just like to congratulate Helen for being such a beautiful bride today (pause for clapping) I’m sure you’ll all agree that she looks absolutely stunning. And as for George........well he just looks stunned...

Can I also direct your attention towards the bridesmaid Lara who looks lovely today, she’s been a big help to Helen in the build up to the wedding, and in her duties today, so let’s have a round of applause for her 


I must say............I’m slightly bothered by the title of best man. If I’m the best man, then why is Helen marrying George? (Pause)........

I’m just happy in saying that I’m a pretty good man, but today, George is the BEST man

As for George, well what can I say about George and I?.......Our relationship started at university 10 years ago back in England........ sorry, Helen, I should say “friendship” (look at Helen)......... and we’ve been great friends ever since.

Now there are plenty of stories that I could tell you about what George got up to in his youth....... but I’m afraid that I’d be implemented in almost every single one of them (pause). For the people that know me, I didn’t even drink until I met him...... 

But really, George is a good man, and his priority list in life goes something like this. 
Friends and family first...........job second.......and himself last. If you’re lucky enough to have George as a friend, you can be safe in the knowledge that he will always be there for you, and he will always go out of his way to help you in any way that he can.............(long pause). 



Now........I may not be married myself, but having many married friends, I’ve picked up five key things about marriage that I feel as best man it’s my duty to pass on to you today:

Number one...........the best way to remember your anniversary, is to forget it once...

Number two...........buy flowers often, but not so often that it’ll become suspicious

Number three.........and I’m sure every single married man here will agree with this one; Keep telling Helen those three important little words........“You’re right dear”...

Number four........... if you’re on a night out, and you happen to lose your wife and can’t see her anywhere, just go and find the most beautiful woman in the room and start talking to her........you’ll find that your wife will magically re-appear within a matter of seconds

Number five............George, remember, a wife is like a fine wine, they start out fresh, fruity, and intoxicating, they then turn full bodied with age and will eventually give you a splitting headache...



(Heartfelt bit)
I would just like to finish by saying what a great honour it has been to be George’s best man today...... George, you have been a great friend to me over the years, and I want to take this opportunity to thank you for that. 
Helen, I can honestly say, that since George has met you, I’ve never seen him happier. He thinks the world of you, and thinks that you’re absolutely fantastic. And I know that anybody that has been lucky enough to spend any time with you would agree. You make a great couple and I’m extremely proud to be able to call you both my friends......

So, on behalf of the bride and groom, I’d once again just like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make this such a special day, I know that they’ve both been extremely touched by all the generosity that you’ve shown them........Not only with the gifts that you have given them, but all the kind wishes that they have received, I know that they’re extremely grateful. 
I must say I struggled to decide what to get, I wanted to give George something he genuinely needed, but it’s such a struggle to figure out how to wrap a bath.....


Just one other thing..............
I don’t know if Helen knows this.......

(pause) 

George has booked them a honeymoon........ I believe it’s to Northern Ireland is it?.........I think it’s Northern Ireland. All George said was he was going to Bangor for a week after the wedding.............................

So ladies and gentlemen.... It gives me immense pleasure...... and immense relief.... to invite you all to be upstanding, and raise your glasses in a toast to George and Helen, the new Mr and Mrs ******. To love. To laughter, and to a happy ever after 

To George and Helen....(raise arm)